Soul Meishi

While living and working in Japan many years ago I first had to learn the distinguished social art of exchanging business cards, or meishi. Unlike the informal exchanges here, in Japan the introduction of one’s profession and title importantly establishes the right degree of respect and deference owed in the relative social situation. Consequently, when receiving a meishi, one must carefully read it, honor the bearer, and treat the business card with respect. Indirectly, how the card is received tells the presenter how the recipient will treat her. This has obvious importance in a business context.

When I share this cultural tidbit with people, many seem shocked by this overt display of establishing pecking order from what they deem a trivial gesture with a piece of paper. Yet, careful observation of many social interactions exposes similar overt displays of people jockeying for a perceived status position.

For example, picture a work setting where a colleague shares an accomplishment and then someone chimes in with a better accomplishment of his own. Imagine telling an acquaintance about a wonderful trip you have planned and she responds with her own ‘better’ trip, past or future. Or, think about a family gathering where a loved one announces a recent achievement or goal. Does someone else respond with his own stories of glory days?

If you spend enough time with people, you may begin to notice how certain conversations trigger a conditioned response and you will hear them recall the same story as they continuously attempt to validate their perceived place in the group. The story is their meishi being exchanged to establish social standing.  Although in some cases classic narcissism could be at play, when an undercurrent of one-upmanship replaces normal social interaction, the one-upper usually needs validation.

Now, we can worry all day about other people’s behavior, but we can only change our own. Observing our own triggers and how we interact serves an edifying purpose: Awareness leads to an opportunity to grow.  If hearing about others’ achievements triggers the retelling of the same time-worn story, you could question whether now is the time for a challenge.  Only retelling the past leads to a groundhog-day existence and does not create new stories for future reminiscing:

          I hope when I get old I don't sit around thinking about it
          But I probably will.
          Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
          A little of the glory of... well time slips away
          And leaves you with nothing, mister, but
          Boring stories of glory days.
                       Bruce Springsteen, Glory Days, on Born in the U.S.A. (Columbia 1984).

When we relate with others, the best moments arise in the present.  In these instances, we exchange our soul’s meishi— we share understanding, awareness, and awe at the wonder of life and of just being.  It takes practice to relate this way, but I feel grateful when I choose opportunities to do so.

All photos by N.D. Mignone. 2011.