Are You Ready For the Life You Want?

Costa Maya, Mexico. NDM 12/21/12

When I was a full-time life and business coach, a majority of my clients sought coaching to make a professional life transition. Many were unhappy in their current profession and some inner calling beckoned them to do something different. Some knew what they wanted to do but felt restricted; some had no idea what they wanted to do. Others felt unfulfilled and drained by their jobs or lifestyle, and a few were professional women wanting to start a family and were enticed by the idea of a home-based business.


Regardless of the motivation, recurring themes persisted: the need for life balance; the need for an inspired life, which included career; the need to authentically choose a career, rather than have it as a default option; and the need for permission to do something else. If any of these themes resonates with you, then some of the awareness-oriented exercises below may ignite a fire to shift you toward the life you want.

The Need for Life Balance

Only you can define life balance for yourself, and balance does not have to be every day. You could analyze balance in terms of a week, a month, or even a quarter. Your definition of balance would include elements of what brings you fulfillment and peace so that you feel grounded, energized, responsive rather than reactive, and able to go with the flow of life. Considering all fo these factors, it may be overwhelming or self-defeating to  measure your life balance on a daily basis. So, instead of saying you will exercise every day, you could aim for at least three times a week. Another option could be to break the task into smaller daily increments. So, instead of an hour a day, start smaller--ten minutes--and add a minute each day until you reach thirty. 

Grand Central, NYC. NDM 

Balance also requires an assessment of what you need right now.  There is no shortage of books and blogs telling you what you need to have life balance, but the only true voice that matters is your own. If you feel exhausted at night, examine how your energy gets spent each day, and whether it is something you can delete, delegate, or redesign. If it is laundry, cooking, or cleaning, brainstorm creative ways to make this easier. You could prepare healthy foods and cook on the weekend, or recruit your children to help. You could send your laundry out or get a housekeeper.  Life can be a big puzzle, so have fun designing other options. You know what isn't working, so do not resign yourself to it. You always have control over choices, which empowers you as the painter of your own life. Get out the paint brushes. 

10-minute exercise:

Identify an issue in your life that feels imbalanced for you. Then, write down all the possible options on one side of the paper, and all the perceived obstacles on the other side. After you have identified these, draft a plan with a mindset of creative problem solving. Remember to use baby steps and come up with an "experiment" to try different options to see what works. Finding fun and creativity in the task makes it less of a chore and more of a choice. Each week you can assess what worked, and what did not, so you can refine. This is not an opportunity to flog yourself, but to experiment. You are doing a case study on you!

 The need for an inspired life, which includes an inspired career
　
       You've gotten drunk on so many kinds of wine.
       Taste this. It won't make you wild. It's fire. 

     Give up, if you don't understand by this time that your living is firewood.

     Set your life on fire.

     Seek those who fan your flames.

　 --Rumi

I use the term "career" to define how you spend a majority of time and energy each day, whether that involves raising children, volunteering, being retired, or spending time at a traditional job. 

First, ask yourself whether you are happy with how much time each day you spend doing this activity. Determine if you feel sufficiently energized, challenged, or inspired by this activity. If not, then allow yourself to fantasize about what would make it so. No activity will be 100% fulfilling or bring happiness all of the time, but you could aim for about 80%. Other factors, which may be addressed in this article, could affect the way you perceive this activity, too.

Icelandic Pony. NDM 2012

Second, think about how you see yourself spending your time ten years from now. If your current career or activity is not what you envision, then acknowledge how your vision differs. Reflect on areas that need to shift--thoughts, attitudes, goals--in order to make the vision appear possible. If you are generally satisfied with your career, you might consider ways to be more efficient or deepen your knowledge or experience.


As you explore this over the next few weeks, take some incremental action steps toward your vision.  For example, if you wanted to spend more time on a certain project but were stuck in another obligation, consider how you might gain some knowledge or expertise, or delegate/train someone to take over your project so it could free you up to do other things.

The need to authentically choose a career, rather than have it as a default

By coaching lawyers [and being one], I have learned that sometimes we anaeshetize ourselves to a particular pattern or routine, even if it does not serve us. We become "comfortably numb" and have blinders to another way of life. For instance, if we are used to spending 10-12 hours a day at work, we may forget how to transition into a normal day. If we cut back, it may feel awkward at first, or that we are missing something or not measuring up. Taking baby steps may ease the transition when cutting back hours and filling them with something more creative. Like the fish that does not outgrow its fish bowl, we may not be fully expanding our possibilities. Taking time to assess whether the activities in which we engage drain us of energy motivates us to create time for more enjoyable endeavors. With a feeling of a more balanced life, your current career may be more appealing. Deep down, you know what changes are necessary. It can be done and will be worth it. In this way, you are choosing the career rather than settling for it. 

You may have a million reasons for the status quo--bills to pay, other obligations--but you can also spend some time dreaming the what ifs. If your assumptions were not true, consider how you would respond to your life instead. Also, pay attention to the language you use to describe your life. Words like "have to" and "should" are signposts of where you are resigning yourself to past choices. Examine why you are choosing the career you are in at the moment, and try not to linger too much in why you chose it in the past. Many reasons explain why we choose the professions we do—it unfolded that way; it pays well; we trained for it;  or others influenced our choices, to name a few. These acceptable reasons remain irrelevant to the deeper question on the table: Where are you now and where are you going? If you do not feel inspired or passionate about your work, your hobbies, your family, or community, only you get to decide to make a change. Or not. 

10-minute exercise:

This inquiry may be simple to answer and difficult to rectify.

Looking at the different areas of your life, ask the question about what would inspire you or who inspires you. If there was a time in your life you were energized, inspired, and passionate,  what changed? Did you outgrow it, develop other interests, or have some inner voice telling you to do something different? Where you are now leads to where you want to be, so believe you can make the changes necessary to bridge that chasm.

The need for permission or validation to do something else

Beneath the layers of feelings and thoughts, we recognize a universal need for acceptance. The question becomes, Whose acceptance do we need? After years of developing a skill or work experience that never really interested them, people sometimes discover they were living up to someone else's measuring stick. Often my clients would be ready to make a change but afraid that decision would look irresponsible or impractical, especially if they had invested so many years. 

Initially, we can accept the idea that we are drawn to something else for a reason. As we get older and create commitments, responsibilities to family or creditors for our possessions, we start to create limits to our decisions. At this point in the life change experiment, write down the negative arguments, internal and external, so you can dispute them for yourself.

During this contemplation period, be selective about surrounding yourself with encouraging, positive people, and only share your dreams with them. When you do share your plans with people, present it as if you have already decided. If you tell people you are thinking about something, it invites input and opinions.If you give yourself permission, you can receive encouragement and ideas on how to make your choice work.

10-minute exercise:

Take out a journal and put on some relaxing music. Set a timer for ten minutes, and take a few breaths as you think about your life five years from now. Picture where you are living, who is in your life, and what you are doing on a daily basis. Begin writing and capture as many details as possible. After the ten minutes are up, take a little break. Later, read what you wrote and keep the vision in your mind.Now you can start planning toward that vision. You may consider hiring a coach for a few sessions or months to help you focus and keep you accountable. Motivation makes you unstoppable.

This life change experiment can be an adventure when you are ready for the life you want.















All photos by ndm and all rights reserved.