A Chinese anecdote jokes about a fortune teller who tells a client he [client] will suffer a hard life until he is about forty years old, and then the suffering stops. The client asks what happens at age forty to alleviate his suffering, and the fortune teller replies, “You get used to it.”
The funny part of the joke also contains the not-so-funny truth: When we willingly accept, tolerate, or endure parts of our life that are less than, we become comfortably numb to it. As the Eagles remind us, “often times . . . we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.” Even if we feel the need for change, we may also feel uncertain where or how to begin. The wide chasm between where we are and where we want to be spans a void of unknown and that can render us immobile.
So, start with the known. Mentally step back and observe the known snapshots of your life. Like watching a movie trailer, you can review snippets of what key events brought you to this point. Let the momentum build to the cliffhanger of the lead character’s [your] next big move. As the scriptwriter for this lead role, what do you envision for the denouement ? You get to create the scenes where you courageously take the risk and choose the less conventional route. This less traveled road, as described by Robert Frost, makes all the difference.
As easy as this seems in principle, instigating change requires courage. It also requires awareness of any self-imposed suffering. I write in terms of choice because I am often reminded of a hairshirt when people share their reasons why they are not living the life they want; in other words, the reasons why they are suffering. Early Christians wore a hair-cloth article of clothing [initially goat’s hair and eventually camel hair or wire, woven into a shirt and worn underneath clothes] to "serve as an unostentatious antidote for the outward luxury and comfort of their lives." Later, during the Middle Ages, lay people used this same type of hair "shirt" as a form of penitence. Today, members of certain religious orders wear them as a rule, while others choose to wear one to do penance. See www.newadvent.org/cathen/07113b.htm.
The Keys to Unlock the Chains
Regardless of your religious beliefs or upbringing, the hair shirt is a perfect metaphor for the types of symbolic suffering we choose.* We suffer in shame, guilt, and a variety of other physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual ways:
I can’t do this because...
I feel guilty because...
I am obligated to...
I should/shouldn’t...
I’m ashamed of....
These phrases beg the question of who you are living your life for. Who are you responsible to? If you are a parent you do have responsibility to your children; the rest of your life, though, is yours. Evaluate your excuse arsenal to determine whether your reasons are actually true or necessary and whether they serve you. You may realize you have finished doing penance and are ready to remove the hairshirt. It is time to live a more comfortable daily life for you.
As an exercise, ask yourself: What do I really want? Really want?
Ask again. And again, until you peel back those layers and laugh out loud or feel a giant lump in your throat [the truth].
Now, ask yourself: Why am I not allowing myself to have this? Make the list of excuses. Then, allow yourself to imagine if you could have it. Visualize it in a way that embraces all five senses. Finally, take the list of excuses and challenge the truth of them; decide you no longer need them.
Now is the time.
*The Bare Naked Ladies song lyrics for Good Boy, eloquently express the hairshirt metaphor.
